Here are my predictions for 2004:

JANUARY

A mad cow will be discovered in St. Thomas before the end of the month. Relevant government ministries immediately spring into action and in a well coordinated response, spare no resources.blaming each other.

Jamaicas net reserves fall to J$16.32 and its external debt to US$1 trillion.

FEBRUARY

Seaga promises to erase the national debt. His plan involves a mysterious Nigerian government official who wants everyone to e-mail him their bank account numbers.

PJ promises "600 anytime minutes and unlimited night and weekend minutes fi every man".

MARCH

The mad cow signals her intent to enter politics.

Butch Stewart offers to put Jamaicas national debt on his ScotiaBank Mastercard.

APRIL

Omar Davis is discovered selling Craven A and Wrigleys in front of Carib on weekends. He later issues a statement saying evry mikkle mek a mukkle.

The price of a Gleaner rises to J$100. Jamaicas net reserves is now officially unable to cover the cost of a newspaper.

MAY

Seaga hires Johnnie Cochran to represent him in his legal dispute with the Collector of Taxes. His defense strategy will be:

He owes no GCT
So you must set him free


Skeng Don is appointed Minister of Education.

JUNE

Antoinette Haughton denies that she is the mad cow.

SS Adams becomes Air Jamaicas first Sky Marshal. Thirty eight passengers are shot and wounded on his first assignment. Reneto tells the media that he was attacked with a knife. Speaking from his hospital bed at KPH, one of the wounded passengers said mi was juss a try cut the little piece a dry chicken weh dem gi wi

JULY
The mad cow joins the JLP and is elected party leader in a landslide vote.

Ousted Opposition Leader Seaga issues a statement in which he calls for an inquiry into the use of tainted feed. Bruce Golding also issues a statement in which he says I came to the JLP to drink milk, not to count cow and promptly resigns.

AUGUST

President Bush makes a state visit to Jamaica. Things appear to be going well until a dinner is held in his honor at Jamaica House and he whispers to PJ, Where is Governor Pataki ?

Osama Bin Laden is finally found selling roast fish in Faiths Pen. A concerned citizen drives to the nearest police station to report this and is told to come back later as they are really busy right now.

SEPTEMBER

Seaga announces that he has been the victim of identity theft and that a shady character called Yard Guard had been using his name and running the JLP all these years.

PJ fires Omar Davis. He is replaced by former Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed Sahhaf.

OCTOBER

Air Jamaica announces further cost cutting measures. Pilots will be replaced by baggage handlers and inflight meals will now consist of guineps.

Finance Minister Sahhaf announces Jamaicas first budget surplus since the PNP came to power, and an unemployment rate of 2%.

NOVEMBER

Jamaicas manned spaceflight program is unveiled in a ceremony at the side of the Palisadoes road. A spacecraft carrying our first astronaut blasts off. Plans on how to bring him back were said to be at an advanced stage.

Seaga publishes his memoirs. It is entitled: I was Robbed

DECEMBER

PJ surprises everyone by calling a snap election. The JLP, led by a mad cow, is swept into office. The cows first act as PM is to dump a large turd in the Chief Executives office. Jamaica House staffers, apparently unfazed, quickly remove it. Asked by members of the media about their seeming indifference to the mess, they respond is long time now wi a deal wid bulls**t a Jamaica House sah, so dis a nutten new to wi.